


Promises. Betrayals.

by mean_whale



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Established Relationship, First War with Voldemort, Friendship, Hopeful Ending, M/M, Near Death, Serious Injuries, Suspicions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:06:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,727
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26144581
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mean_whale/pseuds/mean_whale
Summary: The morning after the full moon, Remus wakes up alone and knows he’s about to die.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 6
Kudos: 75
Collections: Marauders





	Promises. Betrayals.

Remus knew he was awake because of the pain.

He couldn’t remember ever being in so much pain.

He wished that he would fall back asleep.

It was the morning after the Full Moon, he knew, although he could have guessed even if he didn’t know. But it was important that he knew, it meant that he wasn’t confused.

It was hard to think when everything hurt so much.

He couldn’t even tell all the different hurts apart because it felt like every single cell of his body was in pain as he lay there on the cold stone floor. The cold might have helped, even. Or it might have made things worse, how could he know.

He didn’t want to open his eyes. He knew that the specifics didn’t really matter. The main thing was that his body was somehow horribly mutilated and bleeding.

Could it be that the transformation had gone wrong? He almost felt like his body was mangled in some way, limbs in the wrong places and in the wrong shapes, skin prickled open by receding fur, fingertips and toes bleeding after being punctured by claws.

It didn’t matter.

What mattered, was that he was going to die.

On a boring early morning, Remus Lupin was going to die.

It was odd how he could acutely feel every part of his body, but simultaneously he couldn’t quite feel all of his extremities. It felt like he only had seven fingers in total, only one foot. His skin was sticky and cold.

He didn’t think he could move. There was a disconnection between his mind and his limbs, and he didn’t know how to fix it. Didn’t know if it was possible, even.

It was a miracle that he had woken up at all.

Why had he had to wake up?

As if he hadn’t already suffered enough in his life, he still had to suffer some more. Maybe death was going to be painful too. Maybe the afterlife was going to be painful too. Maybe in the afterlife the Full Moon would rise every night.

Remus had never expected to live long. On average, werewolves lived through 15 years of transformations if they were lucky, very much depending on how old they had been when they were first turned. He had been suffering the transformations since he was barely five years old. It had been 15 years now, so it would be no wonder if he had reached a limit.

He didn’t know if he was dying because of the transformation or something he had done to himself while he was the wolf.

He had never expected to live long, so he had long ago accepted that any Full Moon could be his last. His only regret was that he could not give Sirius a final goodbye. Or James and Peter. But mostly he regretted Sirius.

He sighed, and it hurt his ribs.

Sirius. He had been supposed to be there with Remus. James and Peter were busy with work, which was why Remus was now lying on the cellar floor, still locked inside because he couldn’t get his wand. And even if he could, what good would it do? Whoever was the first to come looking for him was perfectly capable of opening the door on their own. And if they weren’t, they were probably a Muggle or a child, in which case it was better they didn’t come down and see.

Sirius had been supposed to be there, but then they’d had a fight.

Now that Remus thought about it, it hurt him. It wasn’t enough that he was suffering physically, he also had to suffer mentally. Heartache. He had always understood why people called it a broken heart, but right now he felt it the most intensely he ever had.

He couldn’t believe that Sirius would genuinely think that he was capable of spying on his friends and then betraying them. He couldn’t believe that Sirius would think that, and he couldn’t believe that Sirius would choose to bring it up on the evening of the Full Moon.

Had it been strategy? Had Sirius thought that Remus, in his weakened state, would be unable to lie?

What he had been, was unable to think of anything to say, which to Sirius had been proof enough. There had been a long angry monologue that ended with Sirius storming out and slamming the door on his way. Remus waited for him to come back. He had sat in the living room until the last possible moment before gingerly making his way down to the cellar, locking the door behind himself.

He had stripped out of his clothes and stored them with his wand in the box that locked when it was closed and wouldn’t open until the morning. He had sat on the box to avoid having to sit on the cold floor, arms wrapped around himself to stave off the chilly air, still waiting, waiting until he felt the wolf take over.

Sirius never came.

How cruel of the world, that Sirius could go as he pleased but Remus was bound to his fate.

At least Sirius would know the truth after Remus was gone. When information would continue leaking after Remus was no longer there to leak it, Sirius would know that it hadn’t been him.

He thought about James and Lily’s baby whom he would never get to meet. That was another big regret. He would never see them grow into a family. He would never know what the child would be called. He could never provide gifts that were small and modest, embarrassingly cheap compared to what Sirius and James could give.

He was sorry that he hadn’t expressed his happiness over James and Lily’s baby more clearly. He had been apprehensive at first, but in the end, it was their decision, and if they wanted that baby, they should have it. And Remus would continue to love them unconditionally because they were his family too.

He was sorry that he hadn’t kept more in touch with Peter. He had been too consumed by his own issues and his relationship with Sirius to take the time to really talk to Peter. He couldn’t remember when they had last had a real conversation. He should have invited Peter for a pint more often, made more of an effort to know where Peter’s life was headed.

He had time for too many regrets. How much longer before death finally collected him?

He wondered if he should try opening his eyes and take a look at himself. Could he die peacefully if he didn’t know what it was exactly that had killed him? Or, well, blood loss was the most likely culprit, but he didn’t know what had caused it.

The floor was starting to feel warm against his back and he wondered if it was his body heat that had seeped into the stone or if there was a pool of warm blood spreading under him.

Would Sirius come back at all? If he believed that Remus was a traitor, did he have reason to return?

Not really.

It would probably be James who found him, then.

He felt sorry. He wished that he could somehow clean himself up so he wouldn’t be such a gruesome sight to James. Or whoever happened to get there first.

But James was the most likely.

Where was Sirius? He was probably with James.

It all was starting to revolve around James.

Remus’ thoughts were becoming sluggish and they were all about James for some reason.

What had he been thinking about again?

If he could only summon his wand, he could…

What was it again?

If only his wand wasn’t closed in a box, he might be able to summon it. Then he could clean up the blood. He could clean up the blood so James wouldn’t slip on his way down the stairs.

Why was there blood on the stairs?

Remus didn’t think anything for a long time. In fact, he might have fallen asleep – or lost consciousness, but what was the difference?

He returned to awareness when he thought he heard something.

Did Death make noise on its way?

There was a creak on the stairs.

He hadn’t had time to clean up.

Was James there already? Remus would have to tell him to leave. It was too dangerous. James might face Death if he came down now.

Where was his wand?

He couldn’t speak.

The stairs creaked, and someone was definitely coming down.

Could hallucinations be auditory?

Why would he be hallucinating? It was morning and he’d had a nightmare and he’d…

“Moony?”

The stairs creaked louder, and Remus imagined a figure descending to the cellar, shrouded in black, like a shadow.

He could almost see it.

It was dark.

It was dark.

“Moony?” the voice asked, closer now.

More creaks.

“Fuck!”

Remus winced, at least internally. It was too loud. He could see light through his eyelids, it was getting closer, and he thought he heard footsteps, but he couldn’t have been sure.

“Fuck, fuck, Moony!”

Something touched his shoulder, igniting his body, all was pain and he whimpered and it hurt his throat.

“Remus!”

It was Sirius, wasn’t it? Remus tried to smile but he could no longer access any of his muscles.

“ _Expecto Patronum_! James! Remus! He’s… Remus!”

Sirius was too loud, which was something that happened every morning. Sirius was a morning person, Remus was not. Remus wanted to wake up in silence, get up in silence, get dressed in silence, have breakfast in silence, and maybe after that he might consider opening his mouth for a good-morning. Sirius, on the other hand, did everything loudly, always, it was impossible not to know where Sirius was located because he brought noise with him, everywhere.

There was a long stretch of darkness, during which everything seemed to fall away, and Remus somehow knew that he was teetering at the edge of life and death. He was ready to swing one way or another. Preferably to the side where he would not be in so much pain.

Something jostled him and he screamed, voice hoarse and throat sore, and there was a mumbling in his ear and loud noises in the distance and he just wanted to be left alone, please, leave him alone, please.

He thought he felt tears on his cheeks and between his eyelids, but he wasn’t sure. Maybe it was blood too.

He’d never tried opening his eyes, had he. Maybe there was no blood. Maybe he was only bleeding internally.

He was jostled again but he could no longer scream.

It must have been tears on his face; he was almost certain the wetness was coming from his eyes.

It was funny how… He couldn’t remember, but he felt like laughing.

Was it hysteria?

He couldn’t remember.

He was being placed down somewhere, and it was not the cold cellar floor. That was nice. Maybe he had made it to the afterlife, although he had always imagined that after death, all of one’s earthly pains would be left behind. Maybe they first had to heal, maybe he had to live through this pain and then he’d…

Someone touched his hair and pressed a wet kiss on his forehead.

He felt like no time had passed at all, yet centuries had passed, in the moment between one pain and another, but he was sort of floating now.

He relaxed and allowed himself to float up to the stars.

Up to Sirius.

*

It took him a long time to realise he had woken up. He couldn’t feel his body. He could hardly even feel his thoughts. He couldn’t figure out where he was.

With a groan, Remus opened his eyes and the first thing he saw was James. Remus wasn’t sure what James was doing there. He opened his mouth to ask, but James shook his head and gestured to his left, Remus’ right. Remus turned his head and saw Sirius.

Sirius was sitting in a chair, asleep and looking uncomfortable.

“He just fell asleep,” James leaned closer to whisper. “He’s been at a right state. He needs rest.”

Remus blinked. He now recognised their bedroom. He was lying on Sirius’ side of the bed, and he wondered if it was because he had been carried there and it was closer to the door.

“What happened?” he whispered, realising that his throat was parched.

He turned to look at the nightstand, in case there happened to be a glass of water. There wasn’t.

“I could ask you the same,” James whispered back. “I didn’t dare ask Sirius because he was already so upset, but you were alone, weren’t you?”

Remus nodded, glad to note that it didn’t hurt him. He was starting to feel slightly more human again, a connection to his body, but he also felt blissfully numb.

“Why?” James asked. “Sirius was supposed to be with you, wasn’t he? Was he late?”

“He didn’t want to come,” Remus said and then, before James could say anything, added, “Can I have a glass of water?”

James immediately nodded and hurried away, closing the door gently after himself. Remus turned to look at Sirius, whose head was hanging down, chin resting on his chest, hair tangled. He was wearing the same robes he had been wearing when he had left… the previous night? How long had Remus been unconscious?

Sirius was slumped in the chair. He rarely let anyone see him like that, completely undignified.

Quietly, James returned with a pint of water. Remus’ mouth was dry, and his tongue felt thick. He couldn’t sit up on his own, so he patiently allowed James to pull him up and lean him against the headboard. Remus tried picking up the glass, but his arms were too heavy and his fingers felt like they didn’t belong to him at all. James brought the glass to his lips before Remus could contemplate the humiliation of being unable to take care of his own basic needs.

When nearly half of the pint was gone, James pulled it away and placed it on the nightstand.

“Better take it slow,” he whispered. “Do you want to remain seated?”

Remus nodded, although he wasn’t sure if he really did.

“It feels odd,” he said.

“That would be all the pain potions and healing salves,” James said.

“What happened?” Remus asked again.

James looked at him with serious eyes, then carefully climbed in bed and sat down next to Remus, close enough to touch. He leaned his head in.

“I will tell you,” James said, “but for the love of Merlin, what did you mean when you said Sirius didn’t want to stay with you last night?”

“So it was last night,” Remus whispered to himself. He sighed. “I… Did he not tell you? Has he not told you anything that could explain it?”

James frowned and shook his head, clearly completely baffled. Remus eyed him for a moment, then turned his head so he wasn’t looking at either him or Sirius.

“Sirius,” he started saying, then had to swallow the lump that tried to crawl up his throat and into his mouth. “He thinks that I’m the spy.”

“What?” James gasped, voice a bit too loud.

They both froze, turning to look at Sirius, who continued to slumber.

“What?” James hissed in Remus’ ear.

Remus turned his head to look at James. His neck was getting tired.

“He told me it’s obvious I’m leaking information,” he said. “Then he left and didn’t come back. I waited for him.”

Remus frowned. He hadn’t meant to reveal quite as much. James didn’t need to know how pathetically alone Remus had felt, how small and vulnerable, as he sat there on the sofa, hands pressed together and eyes on the door as if he might otherwise miss Sirius’ return.

He swallowed again, heavier this time, and blinked his eyes to keep them from watering.

James was staring at him with his lips parted just slightly, eyes wide behind his glasses. Hair always mussed.

Seeing James’ face so close to his own was somehow comforting. It reminded Remus of the rare times when James and Sirius had parted from each other for long enough to notice that there were more than the two of them in their friend group. Well, before Sirius and Remus got together.

It made him remember being young, still a child, no war looming over them, no accusations of betrayal.

“Is it you?” James asked.

Remus felt his heart crack all over again. Angrily, he shook his head and averted his eyes, unwilling to let James see how hurt he was.

“No,” he said aloud.

“Okay,” James said aloud, then whispered, “I believe you.”

Remus turned to look at him again, eyes still watery, but it was important to see how James was looking at him right at that moment.

“I didn’t think it was you,” James said, eyes completely sincere. “But I thought I’d ask, if Sirius thinks you are. So, now that’s all cleared up.”

Remus couldn’t quite feel his face, but he was sure his eyebrows were doing something odd. He couldn’t believe his ears. He faintly remembered thinking about auditory hallucinations – although he couldn’t place when that thought had happened – and wondered if he was, in fact, hallucinating James’ words. Who knew, maybe James himself was a hallucination.

“Are you real?” he blurted out.

Apparently, there was a slight disconnection between his mouth and his usual filter.

James snorted and nodded. “I’m real.”

Remus’ neck was tired. He leaned his head heavily on the wall right above the headboard.

“That’s what happened,” Remus whispered.

James nodded again, but no trace of mirth remained on his face. He glanced past Remus, presumably at Sirius, and shook his head gently.

“I think he’s just stressed out,” James said. He turned to look at Remus again. “Not that it excuses his behaviour, he should have stayed with you like he promised. But I can see where it comes from.”

“The fear,” Remus whispered. “The uncertainty.”

“Oh, and doesn’t that describe this morning,” James said. “I had just made it home when Sirius’ Patronus appeared. His message didn’t make much sense, he was mostly just saying your name. He was clearly in a panic, so I Apparated here.”

James sighed and Remus noticed that he was rubbing his hands together. Remus was having a hard time keeping his head up, it was starting to slip. Before he could help it, his head had slid down to rest on James’ shoulder.

“Sorry,” Remus muttered, cheeks heating up with embarrassment. “My neck feels weak.”

“That’s okay, Moony,” James whispered, somehow managing to sound jovial, and patted Remus’ head. “You want to drink before lying down?”

Remus groaned but nodded. He had a feeling that once he was lying down, he wouldn’t want to move again, and he was still slightly thirsty. He let James jostle and manipulate him, so he was resting against James’ chest, the pint glass pressed against his lips.

Once the hurdle of drinking was over with, James laid Remus down on the bed, then shrugged and lay down as well. Remus managed to turn to his side so he could face James.

“What happened when you got here?” Remus asked, refusing to acknowledge the sleepiness starting to creep in.

“I could hear Sirius down in the cellar,” James said, “and it… He… He was having a full-blown panic attack, and no wonder because…” James swallowed heavily. “Remus.”

James lifted a hand and placed it on Remus’ arm. He was biting his lip, a heavy frown on his face, and Remus could have sworn his eyes were watering.

“Remus,” James repeated. “I have never seen you like that. I don’t know what the hell you did, but I’m never going to let you transform alone again.”

Remus couldn’t remember much. He remembered waking up and being in considerable pain, but nothing else. He had no visual memories.

“It was bad?” he asked.

“It was the worst,” James said. “We… Well, I guess Sirius wasn’t really thinking anything at that point, so _I_ wasn’t sure if you would make it at all. You were… Remus, I thought you had died.”

“Oh.”

James’ eyes were fixated on Remus’, and Remus couldn’t look away. In the low light of the room, James’ brown eyes looked darker, more serious, more pained.

“I thought you weren’t alive,” James said, and his whisper sounded thick. “I thought that’s why Sirius had sent for me. But then you were alive, and I… Oh, Merlin, Moony! I didn’t even know what to do. I have no medical training. So I just did… something. Whatever popped into my head because there was no time for me to send for someone else or calm Sirius down enough so he could actually do something other than cry.”

“He was crying?” Remus asked, his whisper barely audible.

“Of course he was crying,” James said. “I was crying, although I managed to keep most of it in because I was too busy saving your life.”

“Thank you,” Remus felt obliged to say.

“When I thought you were stable,” James said, “I asked Lily here. She did most of the healing.”

James’ face twisted and he leaned his head closer, hiding his face between their bodies, so Remus could only see the bush of his hair. James sniffled, but he didn’t look or sound like he was crying. Remus waited, eyes focused on the dark strands of hair in front of him. James smelled familiar.

When James turned his head up again, his eyes were shining but his cheeks were dry.

“Remus,” he said, face solemn. “If this ever happens again, if Sirius ever leaves right before a transformation, you will send me word, yeah? You will send me a Patronus immediately, and no matter where I am or what I’m doing, I’m going to come to you.”

Remus could only blink. Then James’ face softened.

“Not that I think Sirius will ever do that again,” James amended. “He’s spent all day sobbing about how it’s all his fault and he killed you. I don’t think you’ll ever get rid of him during a full moon even if you try.”

Remus managed a wobbly smile. James pulled him into a hug.

“Peter visited too,” James said against Remus’ hair. “He didn’t have time to stay, but he said he’d be back tomorrow afternoon.”

“Okay,” Remus said, face pressed against James’ collarbone.

James hugged him for a while longer, then pulled back.

“Promise me,” James said, “that you will rest properly. Promise me that you won’t try to be self-sufficient and all that bullshit. You need a lot of time to heal, and we are here for you. We are always going to be here for you and taking care of you is not a chore. We want to do it because you’re our brother. Well, not to Sirius, that would be weird. But to me.”

Remus was speechless. He stared at James whose eyes seemed to be drilling right into Remus’ psyche.

“Promise me you won’t strain yourself this month,” James said.

“I promise,” Remus said. “I promise.”

James smiled and patted his cheek with an affectionate smile.

“Okay, then,” James said and sat up. “That’s enough sentimentality for the day. I’m knackered. I… Well, I think I’m going to crash on your sofa.”

Remus turned to lie on his back, his eyelids getting heavy.

“What?” he asked. “You think Sirius will abandon me again?”

James looked down at him and Remus bit his lip. He hadn’t wanted to say that much.

“I’m just not sure,” James said, turning to look at Sirius, “that he’ll be well enough to take care of you by himself.”

“Thank you,” Remus said and smiled, when James turned to look at him.

His eyes were heavy.

“You rest,” James said and got up from the bed. “I’ll leave the door open so you can call for me if there’s anything you need.”

“Where’s my wand?” Remus asked, eyes already closed.

“It’s right there on the nightstand,” James said. “Sleep well, Moony.”

Remus thought he responded something, but he wasn’t sure if his mouth had really opened. He didn’t have time to wonder before he fell asleep.

*

The next time Remus awoke, the light behind his eyelids was brighter and somehow fresher. He squinted his eyes open, finding the room bathed in sunlight. He allowed his eyes to open completely.

“Good morning,” Sirius said.

Remus turned his head to look at Sirius, who was lying on his side, leaning on his elbow. Remus was still on Sirius’ side of the bed and seeing Sirius on Remus' side felt oddly disconcerting. Almost as if the Full Moon had messed up more than his body.

“Morning,” Remus said, voice slightly raspy.

Sirius bit his lip. It was odd to see him bite his lip out of nerves rather than out of attempted (successful) seduction.

“Can I hold you?” Sirius asked.

“Yes,” Remus said, and Sirius pulled him against himself, cradling Remus’ head against his chest. “You don’t need to ask.”

Sirius froze.

“Of course I do,” he said quietly. “I… Moony, I’m so sorry.”

Sirius started stroking Remus’ hair, fingers getting tangled, and Remus could feel the erratic nervous energy that Sirius was trying to keep just below the surface. Sirius moved his head, pressing his face into Remus’ hair. His breaths were hot on Remus’ scalp.

“I’m sorry, Remus,” Sirius said, and his voice cracked. “I don’t know what came over me. I… I tried… Shit.”

Sirius gasped, his breath wobbled.

Any warm feelings towards Sirius that had been collecting inside Remus, suddenly vanished. He could still remember exactly how cold and small he had felt, sitting alone in the cellar, waiting while knowing that Sirius wasn’t coming back.

“I’ll never abandon you like that again,” Sirius said with a thick voice.

“I don’t know how you expect me to trust you,” Remus said. “But then again, you don’t trust me either, so I guess we’re even.”

Sirius stopped breathing, Remus was pretty sure, because so far, his breaths had been small gasps that felt loud against Remus’ head. Now it was just quiet. Then Sirius sniffled and pulled away, pushing Remus away too, but not letting go. He was holding Remus by the shoulders, looking at him with such gravity that Remus didn’t think he’d ever seen Sirius look that way. He wasn’t sure he wanted to have seen it in the first place.

The war was everywhere. It had been looming over them even back at Hogwarts, then it had settled, slowly descended upon them, seeping into each little nook and cranny, filling the tiniest cracks until there was nothing else to think about. Nothing else to base their life on, because if they didn’t fight, there would be no life left. There was no choice there.

The choice lay in what they did with each other. They had chosen to uphold their friendships, this relationship, they had chosen to trust each other with their lives.

At least, Remus had.

Sirius had chosen differently.

Remus could understand it. He knew that his secret missions didn’t exactly inspire confidence. He knew that Sirius was frightened but unable to talk about it, like he had always been unable to talk about the things that most hurt him. And right now, Remus regretted not forcing him to talk, teaching him to open up and be vulnerable, because maybe then, he wouldn’t have let the fear fester in him, a wound that was torn open again each day that the war continued.

Remus could understand why trusting a werewolf was difficult in the current climate. It was widely known that Voldemort had recruited werewolves to his side, Remus knew exactly what they were promised, he knew that some of them didn’t even care about the possibility of a brighter future, some of them just wanted to kill and maim because they liked it. Some werewolves embraced the Beast.

Remus could see how trusting him to keep the Beast at bay was difficult.

“Remus,” Sirius said, voice trembling but certain.

Remus looked at Sirius, who had dark bags under his eyes, whose skin had gone sallow, whose hair had lost some of its shine because he didn’t have time to take care of it in the way he liked. Remus looked at Sirius, who was carrying his own set of scars, not on his skin but on the inside, embedded into his soul, and Remus could not soothe them in the same way Sirius could soothe his scars that stretched over his body.

What Remus saw, were the eyes of a boy who had looked at him earnestly, uncharacteristically shy, when his beautiful pink mouth had confessed that he liked Remus, he liked Remus as more than a friend and that if Remus didn’t mind, maybe they could be together. He saw the eyes that had met his own when he woke up after a Full Moon, always there and ready to aid in any way he possibly could, his hands always soft and gentle, his arms strong and steady.

Remus saw the eyes of the boy who had broken down and cried when he found out that the brother he hadn’t talked to or seen in years, had died. Sirius was the boy who had looked into Remus’ eyes, on the verge of saying something about the bruises on his arm when he returned from a summer at home but was cut off by James’ arrival.

“I could come up with a hundred explanations,” Sirius said, “but I’m not going to do that, because you have probably already figured out them all.”

“I would still like to hear them,” Remus said, cutting off Sirius who had only stopped to draw in a breath.

Sirius seemed to deflate, his hands slipping off Remus’ shoulders, and for a brief moment Remus regretted interrupting the speech he had been about to give. He looked at Remus quietly.

“Can,” Sirius then said hesitantly. “Can I say this first?”

Sirius reminded Remus of happier times, of getting together and growing up together. Remus wanted to smile but he forced his face to remain blank.

“You may,” he said.

Sirius nearly rolled his eyes, then seemed to remember that they were having a conversation that was critical to their future, so he schooled his face to hold the same gravity it had held before.

“Remus,” Sirius said. “What I did, was unforgivable. I shouldn’t have let my fears take a hold of me, and I definitely shouldn’t have tried to confront you right before the full moon. I also most definitely shouldn’t have gotten angry and left you alone when I was supposed to be there for you. I know it’s important that you don’t transform alone, and I know it’s not a question of comfort – it’s a question of safety. As your…”

Sirius’ voice wavered, and he cleared his throat. His eyes weren’t quite meeting Remus’, and Remus was glad about it. He wasn’t sure he could take in the words if he was looking into Sirius’ eyes.

“As your boyfriend,” Sirius continued, “I have a duty to you, and I completely let you down last night. And not only last night, because it didn’t spring out of nowhere. I let you down the moment I first considered that maybe… that maybe…”

Sirius’ jaw worked but no words came out. Remus waited. He wasn’t about to make things easier for Sirius.

Sometimes it felt like he was always making things easier for Sirius while Sirius was making things harder for him. He couldn’t help remembering the flash of intense fear that had gripped him when he had glimpsed Severus Snape right at the moment the transformation took hold of him. He couldn’t help remembering the dread of waking up, trying to figure out if he could taste blood in his mouth, if there were pieces of flesh stuck to his teeth, if there were Ministry officials waiting for him to wake up just so they could execute him while he was awake, so he’d know it was happening.

He had forgiven Sirius. He had promised himself never to hold it against Sirius again, because Sirius had repented. But he couldn’t help remembering, the same feeling that had engrossed him when he heard the door close behind Sirius, the betrayal, the abandonment. The fear. The terror, the horror, the dread of knowing that if Sirius didn’t come back, the wolf wouldn’t be happy. Knowing that the wolf could feel his distress and would take it out on him.

He had never feared as much as he had on those two occasions, both times because of Sirius.

“I thought that maybe you had abandoned us,” Sirius said quietly. “It seemed to make sense. It… I’m sorry.”

How many more times would Remus forgive him? How many more times would Sirius look at him with wet eyes, regretful eyes, eyes filled with misery and shame?

“I’m sorry I left,” Sirius said. “I’m sorry I didn’t think, yet again. I’m aware that it’s a flaw I have, and I know I need to work on it. And I’m sorry I haven’t felt like I really needed to work on it before now.”

What Sirius had said to him back then, when he was 16 and Remus, at only 15, could have been arrested for infecting someone, was different. Sirius had acknowledged that what he did was not good, but there had been a part of him that didn’t seem genuinely sorry. There was always that one edge in each apology, in each explanation, and it bled into his reasoning of why he was wrong and why he should change and never do it again. Remus couldn’t remember the words, but he wished he did. He wanted to remember what Sirius had said, because he knew that it had been different, it had missed some of the key elements that this apology had.

“Remus,” Sirius said. “I should have talked to you earlier, not when you were already in pain, and I shouldn’t have tried cornering you like that. I know that there are so many things I shouldn’t have done and I can’t change them, I can’t take it back. I’m just sorry that I let my own… my… my fear take over. I prioritised myself over you.”

“You should be your own first priority,” Remus said.

Sirius frowned at him. It was fierce, almost angry.

“Remus,” he said, voice snappy, although he seemed to be trying his best to keep it in check. “I know that we all need to take care of ourselves first, but this is completely different. Staying with you wouldn’t have put me in danger. Leaving you alone, however, put you in danger. Can you see how that’s wrong?”

Remus didn’t say anything. Sirius looked frustrated by it.

“I know it doesn’t seem like it right now,” Sirius said, slightly calmer, “but I do love you. I love you so much, Remus. And I’m doing a poor job of showing it.”

Remus stayed quiet. Sirius’ face started relaxing, an overwhelming tiredness spreading in.

“We should talk more,” Remus said.

Sirius arched his brow in question.

“We should be more honest with each other,” Remus said. “We should trust each other.”

Sirius looked like he didn’t understand what language Remus was speaking.

“I mean,” Remus said, “that I understand why Dumbledore wants it to be secret, but you and I should be able to trust each other with everything.”

Sirius blinked, his jaw dropping.

“Are you,” he said, almost whispering, a giddy sparkle in his eyes. “Are you saying that we shouldn’t listen to Dumbledore? That we should go against his orders?”

“Can he really give us orders, tough?” Remus asked. “His not our commander. He’s just… the person who organises our rebellion.”

“Remus!” Sirius said, face shining with glee. “Have you forgotten your Prefect ways?”

Remus cracked a smile.

“I should think that I stopped being one when we left school,” he said.

Sirius barked out a laugh, his eyes glittering with joy, when it abruptly fell away.

“Remus,” he said. “If you actually forgive me or are even considering forgiving me in the future, you will have to tell me. I hate not knowing where I stand with you.”

“I hate that I had to be alone,” Remus said, “knowing that it was going to be a bad night because I was upset. I hate that I don’t quite know where I stand with you. I know you’re trying, but you don’t really understand what it was like. Sirius, it felt like betrayal.”

Sirius closed his eyes and mumbled, “Because I had promised to stay with you.”

“That’s right,” Remus said. “Sirius, this is the second time you make a massive mistake that puts my life at risk. At least, this time, no one else was put at risk. And it sounds to me that you have done an awful lot of growing up over the past five years.”

Sirius stayed quiet, his lips lightly parted. They were dry, the corners sticking together.

“I do forgive you,” Remus said. “Or I will. First, I need you to explain to me why you thought… How could you ever think that of me?”

Sirius smacked his lips and sighed.

“I’ve been thinking about it,” he said. “I’m not sure how it started.”

“It’s been that long?” Remus asked, fearing the answer.

Sirius frowned.

“It’s not really that,” he said. “We’re talking weeks, not months. I’m just… not entirely sure why I started feeling like there was something odd about… about your disappearances and your behaviour.”

“How was my behaviour odd?” Remus asked.

“It’s not,” Sirius said, then stopped to lick his lips in thought. “I think it’s just all the secrecy, and I know that Dumbledore swore us all to secrecy, but… I remember, I was talking to Peter, and he asked if I knew where you went so often. And I didn’t know. He just… He pointed out that maybe there’s a reason you don’t want to tell me.”

Sirius went quiet, brows furrowed, deep in thought. Remus’ heart was beating heavily.

“Sirius,” he said, barely audible. “Did you just say that Peter suggested that I’m not trustworthy?”

Sirius turned his eyes to Remus’ and blinked a few times.

“Did I?” he asked.

“I think you did,” Remus said.

Sirius looked at him for a long time in silence.

“You know what,” he said slowly. “I think maybe… maybe talking to Peter was the first thing that made me suspect you.”

Remus turned to lie on his back and stared at the ceiling.

“It doesn’t necessarily mean,” he said, but then didn’t continue.

“No, it doesn’t,” Sirius agreed.

“Just,” Remus said, “something to think about.”

“Yes,” Sirius agreed. “Something to think about.”

Remus turned his head to look at Sirius. Sirius lifted up his upper body to lean on his elbow again.

“Should we tell James?” he asked.

Remus bit his lip. He looked at the bedroom door, wondering if James had already gone home.

“Maybe not yet,” he said. “I wouldn’t want to accuse Peter of something with no proof.”

Sirius flopped down on the bed.

“Remus,” he said. “You are such a good person. I can’t believe I ever thought you could be a spy.”

Remus didn’t really want to talk about it any longer, so he let it be. Instead, he blindly searched for Sirius’ hand, then took a hold of it.

“I love you, Sirius,” he said. “Flaws and all.”

There was silence, but it felt soft.

Then, Sirius leaned closer and pressed a gentle kiss on Remus’ cheek.

“I love you too, Moony,” he said. “I will do better. I promise.”

Remus smiled.

“Could you get me a glass of water?” he asked.

Sirius perked up and immediately said, “Yes! I will fulfil any wish you have.”

Remus chuckled. Sirius pressed a small kiss over his lips before leaving the room.

Remus looked at their open bedroom door and thought about Peter.

**Author's Note:**

> One day I will stop writing about Sirius' distrust of Remus during the first war, but today was no that day. (Not that I wrote the entire thing today, but, you know.) One day I will also write a happier wolfstar fic.
> 
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/mean_whale) \- [my writing list](https://mean-whale.dreamwidth.org/557.html)


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